Hope Deferred

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

I have briefly told the story of my first three pregnancies and births, the death of my son and the decision to undergo a tubal ligation at the age of 28 in the post, Lo, Children are God's Heritage.

The next couple of years were very busy with two little ones. My second daughter especially was a demanding baby and her older sister suffered from severe and regular bouts of tonsillitis from eleven months of age. It also took me some time to get back to a fairly stable level, diabetes wise, after three close pregnancies and several years of breast feeding and broken nights. Our lives were very busy and for some time we took for granted that our family was complete.

As the girls grew and things settled, my spiritual life also blossomed and I began to read and study more home based things. I wanted to live a practical, godly christian life and not just a doctrinally pure, highly "theoretical" life. I began to see the great emphasis placed on bearing and raising covenant children. I began to see that fruitfulness was a blessing from God and one to be desired. I began to grieve again that I had allowed my body to be tampered with and cried out to God to show me what to do.

Sisters who have suffered the heart break of barrenness will know how desperate this can make even a relatively sane woman! My tubes were tied, yet I became obsessed with falling pregnant. My cycles were irregular, so every few months I convinced myself that I was indeed pregnant and on more than one occasion actually bought home pregnancy test kits which only confirmed that I was not. Usually, bleeding would begin the next day. It was a time of great emotional turmoil.

It was not until I repented of what I had done and asked the Lord to make me content in His will for my life that I found peace. What was done was done. God had allowed it. Now I must live contentedly with it. (But Godliness with contentment is great gain.) In my case restitution was not going to be an option. Then, strangely, as I accepted all of this it seemed a door was being opened!

I discussed with my husband the possibility of fostering. He wasn't keen on this and I knew emotionally I would find it very difficult. My pre existing health problems eliminated us from adoption and also probably our financial position. My husband asked me one day was it is possible to have your tubes "untied". Well, ordinarily yes, I said. But you know that when I had the operation we had to sign all sorts of consent agreeing that this was permanent. Besides, mine was done for medical reasons and it was done well. Permanently! Cut, trimmed and quarterized.

The doctors took no chances with me!

My own doctor had been present at the Cesarean birth of my second daughter when the tubal ligation was done. So, Dr, is it possible to reverse this? She took it so well! No, she told us. No. almost certainly not. But..... she would speak to the ob/gyn who did it and get back to me. My own doctor knew my christian convictions and although she was hesitant and knew the obstetrician would be incredulous, she also knew his own wife had lost many babies, some quite far along and that he would be sympathetic to me.

Only God can move people in this way!!!

He agreed to see me and have a scan using a dye to see how likely it would be to reconnect the tubes. It didn't look promising. He stressed that I must understand the great risk to myself and to any child I may conceive, the high risk of ectopic pregnancy due to the repair site. He also grilled me thoroughly on my conviction to bear any children God may bless us with. Was I being pressured etc. by church, family etc. This was sort of sweet in this day and age where most of the pressure is it STOP having babies!

This was an expensive private procedure. The next step was to join a private health insurer to be able to finance the venture. This was not something we had ever been able to afford and it was a sacrifice. I joined that fund on 1 October, 1995 and went in to have the tubal ligation reversal in 1 October, 1996!!!! fulfilling the 12 waiting period for cover.

On that day I wrote: Lord, whatever your will is for me, I place my life and the lives of my beloved family into your hands.

After the operation I was told that only one side had had anywhere near enough tube to join. Humanly speaking, the likelihood of falling pregnant was very small. I went home to pray and try to live a normal and contented life, accepting God's will in what ever happened next.

The next six months were very traumatic ones in our family. Personally, and also my father had a very serious accident and was hospitalised for months. My mother, who was quite ill at the time. lived with us during those months and she and I went to visit and feed Dad each day until he was able to come out of hospital. The nature of our personal dramas was such that my husband was not able to assist me much. By this time my daughters were 9 and 7, so they had home schooling and their own emotional needs.

Our God Hears Us!!!

Despite all that was happening, I was pregnant by mid 1997!! When I walked into his rooms the obstetrician was incredulous! Some one is definitely on your side, he told me. You bet!

The weeks of this pregnancy went better blood sugar wise than the previous three. In the intervening years the insulins had changed and improved. I had dreadful morning, no all day, sickness, but baby progressed very well. Until 29 weeks. Up went the blood pressure, my head began to pound. Too early, Lord. Too early. I was terrified remembering the loss of my first son. I was hospitalised but two days later it was decided it was too dangerous for me to continue and that baby should have the best chance possible at this stage.

This son, (Manly) was delivered by caesarian at 30 weeks. He weighed 3lb 15oz and was like a little frog. He couldn't suck and needed anti fitting drugs but he did not need to be ventilated!! His first days were touch and go but the Lord was pleased to spare him!!!! He spent the first 8 weeks of his life in hospital. (In fact at 7 weeks he did have to be intubated when he took a dive) but Praise God, we brought he home and he has not looked back since!!!!

Our personal and also some major church upheaval were all happening in the early months of Manly's life. We also had to move house which was a huge job with a 9 month old. And oh! I was feeling soooo unwell! Yes, I was pregnant again already and brother number two arrived for the girls. (A Beacon) was born at 34 weeks after another reasonably controlled pregnancy so far as sugar levels but dreadful, day in , day out morning sickness. The Pre eclampsia symptoms developed around 33 weeks and I had one week resting hospital before, amazingly going into labour. I was rush into an emergency caesarian and the Beacon was delivered, not breathing. Panic - but then he began to cry. Praise God, another son!!!!

My cup runneth over!!!

It was 2003 before I fell pregnant again. I was thankful that the Lord had been pleased to withhold further pregnancies as I knew my body had deteriorated and I was struggling with some fairly everyday things like hanging washing and climbing stairs. Still, we were delighted to be expecting once again. I decided not to broadcast it until I was well along this time as I was 40 and knew it was going to be a difficult road. At 12 weeks I went to my doctor and she ordered me a scan the following week as she couldn't get a heart beat. I had been dreadfully sick till about 10 weeks and now was not and while that was a relief, knowing my usual severe morning sickness it sent alarm bells.

The next morning I began to miscarry and lost this baby, my sixth pregnancy, later that day.

That was my last pregnancy.

.

A Full Quiver!

Later that year, after months of very poor health and a few events, I had a heart attack. After cardiac examinations etc it was decided that my vessels were too far gone for surgery and I went on to medication to try to give me the best quality of life possible. Heart, renal and eye problems are all long term effects for diabetics, especially ones with brittle control and as many dramas as I have had.

The following year, deteriorating noticeably, I had another heart attack. Reluctantly, the Prince Charles Hospital in Brisbane took me back knowing that they had already said they would not operate.

After the angiogram the specialist came to tell me she was very sorry but the blocked vessels were too far gone and far too many to warrant surgery. A number of surgeons had read my result and they all agreed. I must go home, take the medication and live my life as best I could for as long as I could.

I called my husband back home. We discussed it, we cried. I asked God to give me an accepting heart and patience and maybe enough time to raise my kids.

Then a youngish man, Dr Hart, stuck his head in at my bed. He stared at me and then at the photograph of 4 young children on my side table. He turned to his younger assistant looking stricken. He poured over my chart. He all but hugged me. He said he should not have come, he did not expect this patient they were all discussing upstairs to be so young and to have all these little children waiting at home for her. He would go back and beg them to try a by pass.

Dr Hart did come back and he did perform a by pass! No other surgeon would take it on. He was able to find two usable veins and repair three of the many blockages. I had this operation in October 2004, almost five years ago and I praise God that he has spared me this time with the family he so graciously blessed me with.

Five years ago, I did not think I would be here with them now. Yet, here we are and I have two grandchildren, soon to be three!!

"Delight thyself also in the Lord and he will give you the desire of your heart"!